Straws Save Lives

Proof

I Could Get Into This

But let's get real, you probably couldn't even drink with that, which is what I think Metallica was trying to convey, because all their songs are about root beer floats and shit.

Johnny Longstraws Over Here

Where does Daniel Day Lewis get his straws?

Product Review: Strawesome Glass Straw

Continuing with reviewing straws made of alternative sources, I decided to review one of the glass straws available from strawesome, which I had previously mentioned here. Starting with positive things, this is the woman that makes strawesome straws.

Look at those faces. I would definitely buy a bent glass tube from this lady...if that's what baby wants me to do. Is baby satisfied? Good. Moving on. If you read my first post about strawesome, you would know my initial reaction was 'why make straws out of glass instead plastic or things I found underneath other people's beds?' Well, apparently they have BPAs in them, and those can cause birth defects and cancerous shit. Fecal tumors. Bad stuff. Also, glass straws are lighter on the environment as far as using resources to make them. However, I would like to note that Oreo straws are green as can be. According to their website reusable straws can help you lose weight? Oreo straws will probably not depending on your reuse to ingestion ratio. The most impressive part about Strawesome is probably their guarantee policy. Each straw comes with a lifetime guarantee against accidental breakage! That could be until you die! That's like forever or 15 days as far you're concerned...

These also feel better than the metal straw I tried.

Yes, they will withhold ginger ale abuse, as long as it's below the neck. I believe this is the straw I ordered. My only real quarrel with this straw is the geometry. The straw I got didn't look like the one pictured, apart from it being glass. The angle was much more sever, about 55 degrees I would say, and I did take AP Bio. It was also too short. I found myself holding the glass up my chin in order to drink out of it, and then I got lost in the shimmer of my juice and that lasted for hours and I wasted a whole day on one straw review. These straws do come in multiple sizes though, so I would recommend getting a longer one if you decide to try this out. They also come in different colors and with zany little decorations, which fucking rock if you're a mom or you find that crate and barrel is really in tune with your aesthetic. But overall, I would say this is pretty cool, and that these straws are blown and then sucked.

Product Review: Kegworks SS Straw

The SS is for Stainless Steel. Or Social Security. Or Seeping Semen. I'm checking out different mediums of straw so I ordered this metal straw here. Kegworks is apparently some sort of bar/bar paraphernalia company. A breakdown of the metal composition of this tube: 18% chromium, 10% nickel, 72% iron. Chromium. I drank chocolate milk out of a glass cup for this review. I'd like to try this straw on some other fluids, like maybe antifreeze, but here's some initial reactions. To begin with, I like to bite my straws, this was easy to bite, but I like a little more flex than the chromium infused stainless steel provides. And this is just a hypothesis, but I think optimum straw comfort occurs when the straw is as thin as possible so there is little barrier between your lips and the liquid. This straw is obviously a little thicker than a plastic straw, and the machine finished edge makes it a little rough at the rim. This straw has a good length to it. Another pro/con, metal conducts. This straw is metal. This straw conducts. That's right, for a limited time only you can be electrocuted while sucking, as well as a victim of cold fingers. What really sells it for me though, Kegworks touts this as "indestructible". Chromium. Oooooooooohhhhh dishwasher safe, brag about it yuppie mcyupperton.

The SIlly vs Crazy Debate

So I often find myself asking, what exactly is the distinction between a silly straw and a crazy straw? Some might say they're the same, but some might be dumb. They might also be stupid. Anyone that really sucks knows there's a difference between the two, subtle though it may be. Really it's kind of a gut feeling, an ethereal sensation that's either silly or crazy.

Look at these straws. They seem pretty silly to me. I think they might be silly straws. But then again, now that I think about it, drinking with these means I'm drinking liquid through a bird wearing a green vest. That's nuts. Crazy even. I'd go as far to say that it's ~*cRaZy*. I mean, where would this bird know to get a sleeveless white shirt to wear underneath it's vest that came from straw knows where. Then look at it's freakish neck. Every time I bent the straw I'd think I was twisting chicken vertebrae, and I don't wanna live through that again. Could I catch Avian Bird Flu? And is it Silly or Crazy? I don't think I'll know until the chemical tests come back or I drink with one of these myself. Anyway, seeing that straw run through the bottom of that duck and out of it's dome reminds me of my post about bodies as straws. And on that same thought...

How about a tall, cool glass of cock? Or if you're not into that, you could get into this.

Astrawnomers of The Gullet

Hold onto your lids and secure your kids, whether they're metal or meat. Strawsome Catastrawphe has some top secret stuff coming real soon, so scope hard and scope often. Also, the domain will soon be www.strawsomecatastrawphe.com. So if you need to, change your links. If you don't have this blog linked somewhere, change your links.